Thrive

Okay is a good place to be. It doesn't have to be where you stop.

Beyond okay

Back in Awareness, we met Corey Keyes' idea that mental health runs from languishing to flourishing. Not being unwell is one thing. Flourishing, feeling good and functioning well, is another (Keyes, 2002).

Thriving is something you can build on purpose. A review of 347 studies with more than 72,000 people across 41 countries found that programs built around things like gratitude, strengths, kindness and meaning gave small to medium improvements in wellbeing, and reduced depression, anxiety and stress. The gains were still there three months later (Carr et al., 2021).

Three needs worth feeding

Self-determination theory says people do best when three needs are met: autonomy, feeling that your life is yours to steer; competence, getting better at things that matter to you; and relatedness, real connection with other people (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

A 2022 review of 60 meta-analyses backed this up: meeting these three needs is consistently linked with wellbeing (Ryan et al., 2022). Everything below feeds one or more of them.

Do hard things

Confidence doesn't come from being told you're capable. It comes from evidence. Psychologist Albert Bandura argued that the strongest source of belief in yourself is mastery: actually doing the thing (Bandura, 1977). Every hard thing you finish becomes proof for the next one.

That's the idea behind Goggins' cookie jar: a mental store of hard things you've already done, to reach into when the next one gets tough. A marathon, a fight, a degree, a cold morning run. The point isn't to suffer. It's to find out what you're capable of.

Pick challenges a step past what you think you can do, not ten steps. And know when to rest. Baseline covers the difference.

Fight, train, compete

Combat sports and martial arts aren't only about fitness. A review led by Australian researchers found martial arts training had a small positive effect on wellbeing and a medium effect on reducing anxiety and low mood (Moore et al., 2020). The studies varied a lot, so treat it as encouraging rather than settled.

Part of the value is what you learn on the mat: staying calm under pressure, losing well, and getting back up.

Collect experiences

When people compare what they've spent money on, experiences tend to make them happier than possessions. A 2021 review of 144 studies confirmed this, but found the advantage is smaller than first thought, partly because of studies that never got published, and strongest for experiences shared with other people (Weingarten & Goodman, 2021).

Experiences don't have to cost much. A new trail, a new suburb, a day trip, a class you've never tried. Bring someone with you.

Keep learning

Getting better at something is one of the most reliable sources of satisfaction we have. University, a trade, a language, an instrument, a sport. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi called the state of being fully absorbed in a challenge that matches your skill "flow" (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). It's now one of the most studied experiences in psychology, with hundreds of studies on what brings it on (Peifer et al., 2022).

Tim Ferriss treats life as a series of experiments: try something for a set time, see what happens, keep what works.

Give back

Helping others helps you too. A review of 201 studies with nearly 200,000 people found that helping others is linked with greater wellbeing, a small but real effect, and that everyday, informal kindness was linked more strongly than formal volunteering (Hui et al., 2020).

Volunteering still counts. A 2024 review of 28 reviews linked it with better social, mental and physical health, although much of the research was of low quality (Nichol et al., 2024).

Start small: one deliberate kind act a week. Then find something bigger to be part of.

Your own peace

Thriving isn't only pushing. It's also being at peace with yourself, and owning your life. Epictetus taught that the one thing truly yours is how you respond. Nobody can take that, and nobody can do it for you. The Bhagavad Gita says something similar: give your full effort, and let go of the outcome.

That's what we mean by personal sovereignty. You decide your values, your direction and your standards, not the algorithm, not other people's expectations. It's autonomy in the sense Ryan and Deci describe: acting from what you actually value, not from pressure (Ryan & Deci, 2000).

Some practical ways in: time alone without your phone, a walk with no podcast, a few minutes of slow breathing or meditation, writing in The Why, saying no to things that aren't yours to carry.

Notice what's good

Thriving people still have bad days. They're just better at noticing the good ones. Writing down three good things each week, and why they happened, is one of the activities included in the research on building wellbeing (Carr et al., 2021). The tool at the top of this page is there for it.